Thinking back...(beware death mentioned)

this time last year was when I had to go to a meeting at church to talk about marriage to engaged couples. Well when I got home I saw that my neighbor to my parents had called...I knew something was wrong and I started to freak out. I started to listen to her voicemail as she was calling me again.

She was calling to tell me that my dad had just been taken by ambulance to the hospital. My 12 year old brother, 17 y.o sister, 23 y.o bro and his friend were home. My mom unfortunately was at the store. She had taken my other bro to a meeting. She told me that he had started to cough up blood then passed out...while my youngest brother looked on...he screamed for my sister who came out downstairs. she then called my other bro and his friend. His friend called 911 and my bro started to do cpr...unfortunatly, he couldn't get an airway open, so he just did chest compressions until the ambulance arrived. He was taken away...my siblings all went to the neighbor's house and called me. Of course the one night I'm not home...At about this time my mom got there, she talked to me and said she was going to the hospital. She would call when she had an update.

Unfortunately, I got a call a few minutes later and my dad had died....I will never forget that call. I was speechless as was my brother who was in tears on the phone. We decided to leave that night and went to say goodbye...I had Keith call my dad's sister and my mom's parents. As I know they wanted to know, but I was in no shape to talk to anyone. We packed up my sleeping son and my closet...(the things you do when you are in a rush) and drove the 40 minutes to the hospital.

I walked into the ER and we sat in a waiting room...not a sole was around. My yougest bro was in tears as was my mom and sister. Which of course got me going too...my mom asked if I wanted to see him. Honestly I didn't...but knew I had too. My husband encouraged me to go at least for some closure.

I will never forget the sight or the smell...to say the least. To see my dad in the condition that he was in wasn't the way I wanted to remember him. I kept thinking he would sit up and start joking with us...but he never did. It was horrible and not something that I hope to ever have to see again.

We finally left and we went back to my mom's to attempt to get some sleep...yeah sleep, what's that? it felt like something was missing in that house, especially b/c the last time I saw my dad he was sitting on the couch, being a smartass as always.

I learned a lot about planning a funeral and about my dad over the next few days. My mom had no idea what to do, so I made the decisions. We wrote the obituary and picked out his urn. It was a creepy feeling to be standing in a room surrounded by caskets and urns. We finally picked one out...

we went to my aunt's house where we all met up as a family including my dad's side of the family that we didn't see much. We met with the reverend who would be doing the memorial service. When they ask you who do you want to do the service, she was the only one I could think of and she knew more to our story than most people...she again had us all crying. But she was very good and professional about it.

She asked us to remember good things about him and something we wanted to share....know how hard that was? It took us a few minutes to come up with some stuff. Unfortunately, alot of the memories I have are bad, and I seem to try my hardest to reflect on the good. After all my son deserves to know who his grandfather was and to know the good until he is old enough to understand the bad.

One thing that always stands in my mind is what Rev. Maier said...we have to remember that, Jeff, was human and we all make mistakes....this summed it up the best without saying what we were all thinking.

My brother Ryan, said it best as well...which is the serenity prayer. Grante me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I learned alot about my brothers especially in the days to follow. You never see a person cry or be sensitive and then something like this happens and well...its like your world falls apart!

so tonight, we will be going to the same meeting that sparked all this a year ago. I just pray that I do not come home to more bad news....