2 years...

and one day. I have a hard time grasping sometimes that it has been 2 years since my dad passed away. I swear that I should see him when I walk into my mom's house and then reality slaps me in the face when I realize he isn't there and I see the "box". ( I meant to blog yesterday and just didn't have time)

I am glad I didn't go into labor and have the baby yesterday though. March 8th is a hard day anyways and didn't want the reminder on my baby's birthday. I still to this day hold regrets about my father and I's relationship and would give ANYTHING to go back! I wish I had one more day or knew that he was that sick and we could have made amends. Of course I know, that he knows deep down that I have forgiven him and loved him, afterall he was my dad. But I was never able to tell him and I'll never hear his voice again.

There is always something reminding me of my dad and with this pregnancy it has been even more apparent. I'm not sure if its b/c we plan on using his middle name for the baby if its a boy or if it seems to be the fact that our house is falling apart and he isn't here to fix it for me! If nothing else he would do that for me at least...our cabinets are falling off and we joke its my dad jumping on them, there is something wrong with the roof and he is poking holes in it. If something breaks or needs to be fixed I want to call him and ask how to do it or if he can do it...I just don't have that luxury anymore.

Everytime I look out my window I see the picnic table he made for us which can be hard to see, but I know it was made with love and something we really needed and wanted! They say people have a certain smell to them well...I still smell it. Sometimes there are other people around, other times not. People will walk/act a certain way and I'll think my dad did that...

I think the HARDEST part about loosing my dad especially now that Avery is getting older and is fascinated with outside and "building" things is not having him here to share those with Avery. My mom and I were talking about that this weekend and he was ALWAYS outside with us doing things and showing us how to do them. Even me being a girl he would say "just b/c you are a girl, doesn't mean you can't do it!" I know how to use a hammer, screwdriver, or to put things together all b/c my dad showed me. I know how to camp and hike(and hope NOT to get lost), set up a tent, start a fire, or go fishing. I know these are all things I can show Avery and Keith too...but I would love to see them interact with each other and build those memories. I'm sad that Avery will never have that kind of grandfather figure in his life and to have these memories to live and grow on.

I know I can't go back and change anything, but its always a daily reminder about my dad someone in my life. Avery has his eyes too so I see it EVERYDAY! Avery also talks about gramp gramp alot even stuff I have never told or showed him before. Somedays it is just creepy!

RIP dad and know that you are missed everyday that you are not here with us!